Well fuck...

I normally don't do these sort of things because I feel like I have no right to bitch about my problems when everyone else seems to have gone through worse. But it's a rant section and I honestly don't give a shit anymore and all I really need now is to vent, so why the fuck not? Due to the pure chaos that is the inside of my head, this is a very general rant so please don't feel like you're being targeted.

I guess for the past week or so I've been rather irritated and I've been avoiding both cboxes for the most part. I dunno. I feel like I'm in one of those vicious cycles in which I re-re-re-notice a certain pattern in my life. It seems like all of my attempts to start with a clean slate elsewhere end up blowing in my face and my problems just end up following me.

And even worse is that it seems like it's spreading to here. Lately I've been feeling more and more left out of things. Everyone here seems to be happy plotting and posting with each other. Take my bitching about my plot page. No one's posted in it. It's been sitting there since the day I posted it up. I've even suggested posting there in the cbox a few times. But nope. Still empty and that puts me in a really bad place.

I have some really bad abandonment issues. I've been picked on and bullied ever since I started school and I've never had any real friends. It got worse between 5th and 8th grade when literally everyone in my year kept making fun of me for getting bit by a fucking chipmunk during the 5th grade class trip. I needed counseling for that shit. Fuck, even in high school I never really had any friends. Just acquaintances.

No one ever wanted to partner up with me in anything, I was almost always the odd man out and either had to join as a group extra, had someone forced to partner up with me, or had to partner up with the teacher. I thought I could break out of that by starting new in a place 500 or so miles from the stinky armpit of America that is New Jersey. Boy was I wrong.

This shit just follows me. Back in high school I had to go through even more drama, band drama. People fucking ditched me so many times I don't even want to remember. I was always by myself. I tried connecting with people but somehow I ended up pushing them away and I have no fucking clue how that shit happened. The biggest fuck you I ever had in high school band was when this girl I really liked, who was the nicest, sweetest person I've ever known was dating a real dickwad. Apparently he didn't like the idea of me hugging her so he butt in and confronted me when he had no real reason to. No one stuck for me not even her. When I apologized to him for whatever transgression I did, he refused to accept it in the most assholic way possible. No one said anything. No one stood up for me. Hell even when I confronted another guy who was a complete ass to me and me only, no one backed me up. I was all alone.

And in college this got even worse. The hallmates I thought I made friends with ended up ditching me when we all planned to go to a party. I even caught one of them literally trying to sneak past me to leave. But I, being the forgivable idiot, wanted to give them another chance. I went to go hang out with them in one of their friends' dorm rooms. I could hear them talking and laughing and whatever, so when I knocked on the door asking to come in, they just went silent and pretended like they weren't there. That was another big "fuck you" to me.

It really doesn't help having a dad who's never ever satisfied with whatever I do. All the shit he says to me makes me feel like a complete failure. Fuck. I feel like a complete failure too now. Nothing I ever do goes as planned, nothing ever goes my way.

And even here I'm starting to feel it. I dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. Are my characters really that bad? Because it feels like no one likes them. Hell, I've been avoiding the IC box as much as I can now because it seems like all I do is annoy people. Am I really that annoying? If I am, I apologize. I'm fucking sick of always being left in the background. Even though I have you guys as friends, I still feel isolated, like no one really cares. I'm just stuck all the way out in left field. I know I have no right to complain about my problems. For all I care I'm just a privileged whelp whining about unimportant problems. I feel good getting these feelings that I've been bottling up for almost a decade now out into the open, but at the same time I feel worse for even doing it because I know I have it good compared to others and I shouldn't be complaining.

If anyone wonders why I'm such an asshole a lot of times, this would be the reason. When good, nice people get burned too many times, this happens. I've had enough of being nice to people for the sake of being nice and getting stabbed in the back.

I just can't seem to really connect with anyone as much as I'd like despite my best efforts. I dunno, seems like it's just something about me that turns other people off. Feels like no one ever truly considers me or my feelings. I'm just there, a nobody floating around in the background. I just feel really isolated and lonely even though I know that's not the case. I know people do care and I am thankful for that, but I just can't shake the feeling.